


we sure as hell have nothing now

by spangel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, one line about animal death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6547492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spangel/pseuds/spangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Making Raphael feel isn't easy, but - Simon Lewis came into his life, like teeth meeting skin. Blood. Simon Lewis came into his life, and fucked everything up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we sure as hell have nothing now

It doesn't get easier. Raphael thought that it would get easier. 

 

Rewind; he plays this over and over. A skipping video. Here's the part that  _really_ hurts:

 

This time, there's a first kiss. Chronologically, he isn't very old, but he  _feels_ it. Age, in his bones. What _could_ be, what could have happened, instead of what already has. Raphael feels everything. In many universes, in many lifetimes, there are no first kisses, and people come and they go and they wither. Withering, he finds out, is weakness - you can't be weak, when you're a vampire. You watch them wither and you think: _good._ Weak is for the newly born, weak is for little animals who don't know that they are to be slaughtered. He's seen that, too - slaughter. Fingers wrapped around a knife. Unless the slaughterer has teeth. Teeth are different, teeth tell an entirely different story. The story is about first kisses, and how Raphael finally  _felt_ something.

 

See: it isn't easy. Making Raphael feel something, that is. It isn't easy. There are a lot of things that aren't easy, but we're still skipping on the thoughts. A rewind. Making Raphael feel isn't easy, but - Simon Lewis came into his life, like teeth meeting skin. Blood. Simon Lewis came into his life, and  _fucked everything up._

 

Here's the part that  _really_ hurts:

 

Raphael took a  _chance_ with Simon. Kissed him first. Simon kissed back and it was like something holy, like Raphael was repenting. Raphael, crossing out certain words in a holy book so that they tell a different story. He's always been a believer. You'd think that faith dissipates when you're turned. That's wrong. The kiss was like - Raphael finally finding something that pulled him back, a rekindling of faith. He's always been a believer, and Simon kissed him back and that's the part that  _really_ hurts. It's also not the point. The point is this: Raphael doesn't take chances, much. Frigid, cold Raphael. Except for when he felt warm, like how Simon made him warm, but that's - not the point. The point is this: Raphael, for once in his life, didn't know what to expect. Went in blind, like an animal.

 

Here's the part that  _really_ hurts:

 

It was  _gentle._ See, Raphael isn't gentle often. But - he took Simon's face with his hands, watched Simon freeze up. Did nothing until Simon said it was okay. He was almost afraid to break him. Too rough, and — something breaks. Simon was, in a way, already broken.  _Monster._

 

Apparently — it meant nothing. 

 

Raphael thought it would get easier. Simon being gone, disowned. Raphael had to do what was necessary to protect the vampires. 

 

Necessary  _hurts,_ sometimes. He never knew this, because he never let himself get close enough to someone to find out.

 

He wanted Simon dead. Truly. He still does, but for a different reason.

 

There was something about the way that Simon's face fell when Raphael said:  _I'm disappointed in you._ Something weak. Like an animal. Like something newly born, new to this world.

 

Raphael is good at ignoring. He ignores it. 

 

They have  _nothing_ now. That's just the way it is.

 

He's good at ignoring.

 

Whatever he felt for Simon - that warmth, that gentleness - is  _gone_ now.

**Author's Note:**

> "(You said) we were born with nothing  
> And we sure as hell have nothing now
> 
> These are the things, the things we lost  
> The things we lost in the fire fire fire" - "Things We Lost In The Fire" / Bastille. Other recommended listening: Pin by Grimes, which is the song I listened to on repeat when I wrote this lmao.
> 
> also ???????/ I'm sorry


End file.
